Ghost

Dear Future Husband

I hope you don’t mind the fact that I have my wedding planned out already (: Well, I mean my idea of what I want anyways lol. I love butterflies and they have a special meaning but I’m not trying to post all this online, lmao. This is just an idea of what I want (: things might change, but at least ONE of these things will be in my wedding, and that is a promise, lol. Yes yes yes. And who knows, things keep going good and it might be sooner than later (; 

I haven’t been on this thing for ages, I almost forgot how to use it, lol. But when I stated this, it wasn’t to gain followers, it wasn’t to post cute little things, it was a way of letting my thoughts out without offending anyone or having to tell my best friend, and then turn around and repeat it to my other best friend, and so on and so forth, just cause I have a thought on my mind I want to share with someone I ended up sharing it with everybody. So I made this to be able to write down things instead of telling a billion people. Obviously things changed, then I stopped using it, and now, now I don’t care. You can unfollow me if you don’t want to see my super long posts on your wall, I don’t mind. I just need to vent.

March 5th, 2012; it’s like one thirty in the morning and I can’t sleep for numerous reasons, the biggest one is because my brain is still turning over things I’ve been thinking about for months. I lost a lot of my really close friends, then I gained some, then they moved, and now I’m here without hardly any close friends. Do I mind? Not really. I know I have a few people to this day that I can still count on, but I’m really trying to focus on me and getting through school more than going out and having fun all the time - yeah I’m getting old and boring, it happens. I never thought I could feel so alone though. Then I stated to think about all the guy friends I have and how many of them are just trying to sleep with me, and how many of them my dumb self has already slept with. Then I thought about what if I wouldn’t have lost my virginity, what if I had kept myself to myself, shoot I probably wouldn’t know all of the people I know today, and I don’t know if that’s good or bad, either way I can’t do anything about it, so I should stop thinking about it. THEN I started thinking about my exes. I’ve been having the same reoccurring dream about Abel for the past month. We got married basically, with a lot of details that I’d like to not get in to, but I’m confused as to why I’m having this dream. I’ve been over him for a while now. I’ve finally gotten rid of everything he gave me, cause even the phone he bought me finally broke. I just don’t see how so randomly this came up. Eventually one night I finally had a different dream, but I’m still confused as to why I even had it, but then I had a new dream about my most recent ex >.< Can I just say I DON’T GET THIS SHIT. People are in my past and not my future for a reason, why are they constantly coming back on my mind. Blah. So I decided I would find a way to get in touch with my ex, the most recent one, and talk to him, see if I can figure out why I’m having a dream about him now. We’ll see how that goes. School is almost done, it’s midterm this week, which means I’m done with one of my classes and my Tuesdays and Thursdays are open again, oh sweet freedom. I still can’t get a job, I’ve had too many interviews and not enough call backs, FML. My nephew is almost here, my brother is being a bigger bitch as every day goes by and is still stealing from me. My parents are treating me differently, but in a good way. My grandma is still the exact same, lol. Mmm I just, I’m honestly so confused. When I planned my life back when I was like sixteen, I never imagined I’d be like this. I figured I’d still be at home going to school and whatnot, be somewhat good off, but I always thought I’d have friends and a boyfriend, or fiance by now. I had everything perfect last year and this year is just completely off. Maybe the world really is going to end -__- I have had no such luck with boys lately, I meet an amazing guy on New Years, he says he’s going to take me out and then one day he just up and quits talking to me. I meet another guy and things are going good and then they just stop. I rekindle a friendship with a guy I met when I was sixteen, which turns into more, talking every single day all day, then, like the past two, one day that just up and changes. Now all these guys with girlfriends want to sleep with me to straight up put it out there, and I’m not having it. I want something nobody can seem to give me. And it’s not like I’m setting my bar high or anything, I just want someone to respect me and be in a relationship with me before he can even think about getting any benefits. I know it’s possible, just not now cause that’s not what God has in store for me apparently. I can’t really complain about that, but I need someone, just a friend, a boyfriend, someone who can be close with me. I mean I have James more now since he’s doing his last two years of service in the states, but he’s still 305 miles away. I need this big hole in my life to be filled. I thought working out would fill it, I was wrong, but I am getting my old body back (: a few more pounds and I’ll be healthy again. Sigh. All my friends have found love. Why can’t I? Legit love too, not I love you, you love me, but you want to cheat on me, love. LOVE. Real unconditional love. The kind my papa showed my grandma when he was alive and well, and the love my grandma showed my papa every day till the exact moment he passed. Speaking of my papa, both of them, I can’t grasp the fact that they are dead. I really can’t, and I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I can’t. My papa Bob I can’t grasp because I wasn’t there, and when I was up there, it was just like he was out of town or down working in his pit the whole time, even at his memorial service. My papa papa I can’t grasp because when he came home on his last day I cried the whole time, I didn’t think he’d be leaving so soon, and I had to leave to go to my other papa’s memorial, so I kissed his forehead, said I’d see him soon, and left; he passed away on my way up there, when I came home, he was gone, and still to this day I feel like he was just deployed for the navy again. I don’t get it. My head isn’t right. Okay I feel a little bit better; class in five hours, gotta get up in three, I should go to sleep, goodnight. 

mermaidsondrugs:

Hi my name is Shainah.
This is me without the makeup.
Last night 3 girls and 1 boy verbally abused me.
I was called a circus freak, candle wax face, ugly bitch, deformed girl, “it”, a monster, wierd looking creature and many other hurtful names.
I was born with a bilateral clef lip protruding to my left eye. The umbilicul cord was wrapped around my face in the womb so my face didnt fully develop. I wasnt born with cheek bones because like I said my face didnt develop correctly. They had to take my rib and use it as replacement cheekbones.
My eyes arent perfect either. I had a tumor in the right one.
I wasnt born with any nasal passages. They had to pierce the inside of my nose. For an entire year my mom would have to put tubes down my nose to my lungs so I could breathe. 
I’m not telling my story for sympathy or “reblogs” (reblog if you want) My main message is that after having 27 surgeries I am strong and I will not let words hurt me. Don’t be ignorant and make fun of someone whose story you know nothing about.
I’m lucky that I’m alive. 
My scars don’t define me. Instead they tell a story. They tell everyone around me, AND remind me each day that I am a survivor and I am a strong woman. Even the strongest of people break down sometimes. Please remember that words hurt. I may be strong but some girls aren’t. 
shes beautiful
but you’re like gorgeous…

mermaidsondrugs:

Hi my name is Shainah.

This is me without the makeup.

Last night 3 girls and 1 boy verbally abused me.

I was called a circus freak, candle wax face, ugly bitch, deformed girl, “it”, a monster, wierd looking creature and many other hurtful names.

I was born with a bilateral clef lip protruding to my left eye. The umbilicul cord was wrapped around my face in the womb so my face didnt fully develop. I wasnt born with cheek bones because like I said my face didnt develop correctly. They had to take my rib and use it as replacement cheekbones.

My eyes arent perfect either. I had a tumor in the right one.

I wasnt born with any nasal passages. They had to pierce the inside of my nose. For an entire year my mom would have to put tubes down my nose to my lungs so I could breathe. 

I’m not telling my story for sympathy or “reblogs” (reblog if you want) My main message is that after having 27 surgeries I am strong and I will not let words hurt me. Don’t be ignorant and make fun of someone whose story you know nothing about.

I’m lucky that I’m alive. 

My scars don’t define me. Instead they tell a story. They tell everyone around me, AND remind me each day that I am a survivor and I am a strong woman. Even the strongest of people break down sometimes. Please remember that words hurt. I may be strong but some girls aren’t. 

shes beautiful

but you’re like gorgeous…

Sorry for all the spam :/ I was hacked a few months back and I thought I fixed it but I guess not :// and I’ve been getting on on my itouch sooo I didn’t really know. My apologies. When I can get on my computer I’ll fix this problem (:


Merry Christmas Everyone
If that offends you I’m sorry but I have my freedom of speech and religion as well as you; so which ever holiday you celebrate this time of year, I wish you the best and hope you realize it’s more about being with your family and loved ones (:

Newest Edition (:"Seen You Soon"Done December 18th, 2011Sick Boy TattooThis was done for my papa, my mom&#8217;s dad, four days after he left us. I had been meaning to get this done for the longest time but I hadn&#8217;t had the spare cash, finally had a little bit thanks to the night my whole family went up to the casino, his favorite thing to do, and I had tripled my fifteen, almost the perfect amount to get it done. See you soon, those were the last words I said to him because I left the day he passed to go up north for my other papa&#8217;s funeral, he passed away when I was half way up there. And for anyone with someone in the navy, you  know you always said something to that effect, or so long, or see you later. This is the one tattoo I have, and will always have, that means the most to me. My papa was like my dad, he was always there, and always had stories to tell. I got this placed on my right foot because a few years back, my papa lost most of his right foot because of a blood clot, but even with that, he still stuck through it, showed his strength, and managed to do everything we did too. Sail In Peace Papa &lt;3Donald Lee Perdue.

Newest Edition (:
"Seen You Soon"
Done December 18th, 2011
Sick Boy Tattoo

This was done for my papa, my mom’s dad, four days after he left us. I had been meaning to get this done for the longest time but I hadn’t had the spare cash, finally had a little bit thanks to the night my whole family went up to the casino, his favorite thing to do, and I had tripled my fifteen, almost the perfect amount to get it done. See you soon, those were the last words I said to him because I left the day he passed to go up north for my other papa’s funeral, he passed away when I was half way up there. And for anyone with someone in the navy, you  know you always said something to that effect, or so long, or see you later. This is the one tattoo I have, and will always have, that means the most to me. My papa was like my dad, he was always there, and always had stories to tell. I got this placed on my right foot because a few years back, my papa lost most of his right foot because of a blood clot, but even with that, he still stuck through it, showed his strength, and managed to do everything we did too. 

Sail In Peace Papa <3
Donald Lee Perdue.

Left Thursday for my Grandpa’s memorial service, on the way up, get a phone call that I lost my other Grandpa.

Two papas in five days.

Rest in Peace;
Robert “Bob” Garrelts - Dec. 10th.
Donald Lee Perdue “Papa” - Dec 15th.

Please, please reblog.

December 10th 2011 I lost one of my grandfathers, my dad’s father. He had a heart attack out of nowhere. He had so much left and was so healthy. It was a huge shock to my whole family. Mean while, for the past month my other grandfather has been suffering, going in and out of the hospital on a weekly basis. He hadn’t been eating or drinking . He messed on himself on a daily basis. He had no strength. All he did was sleep. The Monday after my dad’s father passed, the doctors told us that the cancer in this grandfathers liver had spread and was to the point where it is affecting his brain. He continued to get worse as the day went by and by that night he was back in the hospital. Today, December 14th 2011, the day most of my colleagues are celebrating the end of a semester, I’m sitting in the hospital next to the strongest woman I know, my grandmother. Today we were told he had two weeks left. But sitting here looking at him, I don’t believe we have that long. He’s in so much pain it hurts to watch him. He keeps reaching up toward his oxygen mask to take it off, as if he doesn’t want to be here anymore. My family is torn and I don’t know what I could do besides pray. I know my grandpa would be better off in heaven, pain free. Please lord, take him. I pray lord, please take him. As for my family, please please keep them in your prayers. Pray my mom’s side can be at peace knowing he’s in a better place and isn’t in pain anymore. Pray my dad’s side has the strength and courage to make it through the shock. Pray for my parents, because they both want to be with their families and the one they love, but they just can’t. Please keep my family in your prayers and repost this - we could use all the prayer possible. Thank you and God bless.

Quite Frankly,

I won’t be posting for a while. If you haven’t heard, my papa passed away last night, and most shocking, not the one who I’ve been talking about who has been having problems, it was my dad’s dad. He had a heart attack at about ten last night, and around eleven they finally gave up trying to revive him. My dad and brother left last night to head up there and I stayed at my house with my momma. This is like the worst thing that could happen, especially before finals. And what’s worse, me and my mom might leave up there for his memorial service Wednesday or Thursday, and I’m going to need to take my finals earlier and the number one excuse that teachers get is someone passing away, but it’s actually true but I don’t believe that a single one of my professors will believe me. I slept all day, ignored everybody, and wouldn’t eat. But my mom finally got me to eat a little and we baked cookies to make us feel a little bit better. I had never seen my dad cry before, that hurt the most. Fuhh. I’m like beyond upset about this. So no Tumblr. I’m going to spend a majority of my time studying, the rest packing. 

1. How she acts at school

2. How she acts around her friends

3. How she acts around her family

4. How she acts when she’s with him

5. How she acts when she’s alone

(Source: witchpls)

And him (; He made watching Immortals so worth the headache that 3D movies give me lol.

And him (; He made watching Immortals so worth the headache that 3D movies give me lol.